


Summer Flame as Reported by Krynn's Most Popular News Source

by allonsytotumblr



Series: The Rabbit Reports [1]
Category: Dragonlance - Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-10
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-09-07 14:47:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8805037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allonsytotumblr/pseuds/allonsytotumblr
Summary: The Rabbit brings you all the craziness that was Dragons of Summer Flame.





	

Heating up what had been the most unnaturally hot summer in living memory, Raistlin Majere returned to Krynn amid rumors of him having fathered a child. These rumors began when Usha, the most stereotypical Mary Sue ever, according to Astinus, burst onto the Krynn scene, claiming to be Majere's daughter, begotten after Majere was ensorcelled by an Irda woman and her magical rape drug, the Valin was created by the Irda to propagate their race and has been the subject of controversy. "The Valin is rape," declared an unnamed elven scholar. "It acts a love potion and takes away your ability to consent, and even if someone were strong enough to resist this, you are faced to consent because it will kill you if you do not."

The group Raistlin is God, notable for their epic stage productions of Major's life, also reacted violently to the news. "Of all the women Raistlin could have picked, he chose some Irda [censored] to carry his child. Or not even chose, because he was [CENSORED] DRUGGED," said the groups leader, who changed her name to Raistlyn, the female equivalent of Majere's name. She went on to say that all Majere wanted was to be loved. Despite Raistlyn's complete lack of relationship experience, (It's hard to get laid when your life revolves around a dead, evil man,) she finished, nearly in tears, "I could have born his child and loved him more completely and exhilaratingly than some horrid Irda [censored.]" Many other remembers of the group voiced similar sentiments.

Crysania of Tarinius, head of Paladine's Church, sent us a long letter with her thought on the matter, The gist of it being: She thinks that Majere is a hypocritical bastard for having sex with this "Tavern whore," but not with her. And that she no longer wants to have sex with him, but he is still a bastard. 3. That if Majere really is back on Krynn he can come see Tarinius and she will torture him. "and," she concluded, "I don't mean 'torture,' in a weird sex/ bondage way, I literally mean me inflicting massive amount of pain on him and then having his miserable, half dead body removed from temple grounds."

Majere is indeed back. His nephew, Pallin, dragged gum out of the Abyss to confirm that Usha wasn't R. Major's daughter. P. Majere seems to prize his romantic live over the safety of all of Krynn. R. Majere released a strongly statement reading: "Usha is not my [censored] daughter. Now I'm back on Krynn and it's so [censored] hot and there's crazy [censored] stuff going on and it's really terrible."

Raistlin is God released a statement, after R. Majere's, saying that they are happy that he's back, and he can come and see them anytime.

After Majere returned, Chaos was trying to take over the world. The dragon armies were trying to take over the world, but as this was for the eighty billionth time, most people ignored them. P. Majere, sort of a watery version of R. Majere, according to Astinus, and Usha traveled to the Irda island with Tasslehoff Burrfoot, who is very excited about R. Majere and Tarinius's romantic prospects. These three did some stuff- but we assume that our readers do not care about anything but what Raistlin Majere does, so we return to him. During this time R. Majere had done some notable stuff, such as getting stuck in a tree. Attempting to finish a confrontation with the Night Lord on a dramatic more, R. Majere vanished inside a hollow tree and got stuck. With Caramon Majere's help, he extracted himself. C. MAjere told this story to a group at the Inn of the Last Home, and the tale spread quickly, inspiring: a theatrical production by Raistlin is God, (who said that the story proves that R. Majere is a tiny child), a novel written by kender, and ballads. "A TREE," Said Tarinius. "It was the holy revenge of Paladine. Pity Caramon got him out so quickly. I would have left Raistlin there for at least a month."

Chaos' plan was defeated, and it finally rained. Additionally, the gods are gone, but, as the whole gods fad died down relatively soon after they were introduce after the War of the Lance, they will not be missed.

Since the Raistlin's daughter was effectively smashed by R. Majere himself, the rumor mill turned to new material concerning Tarinius. Astinus released, under the title, Tears From the Night Sky, an account claiming that Tarinius' seeing eye tiger was actually a human in disguise and the two shared a sexual relationship before and after the tiger transformed into a human. Tarinius released a statement promising to bring Paladine's holy wrath against his publishing house. "Yes, Valin did reveal himself to be a human male in disguise, but I did not have sexual relations with that tiger, Tandar. In fact, I attempted to stab him, but I am blind so that was hard. I did get a few good jabs in, though." The man known as Valin, formerly Tandar, also the name of the Irda date rape drug, is now incarcerated for sexual harassment, invasion of privacy and just being a creep.

R. Majere decided to leave Kyrnn a few days after the Chaos drama finished. "I am so [censored] done with this. I was done with Krynn twenty years ago. I am so sick of everything." He went off somewhere with Fizban, the mentally ill old wizard. Usha has retracted her previously claim. Raistlin is God is considering suing her for libel.


End file.
